Roy
by Holly Melino

Roy is different, Roy is quirky, Roy doesn’t abide by society’s expectations and he is not following a rule book. He is not after a white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog.

Roy doesn’t have any kind of routine. He gets up at 11am on the weekend, and then the day disappears and we don’t end up doing anything or enjoying the day. This is changing my life, making it less exciting and fun.

Roy is super relaxed and doesn’t ever seem disappointed, he is very easy going so I don’t feel like I can let him down. I can be myself and myself is enough.

Roy doesn’t seem to understand that I have expectations of my relationship, how it should make me feel, how it should feel to be in it and maybe he doesn’t agree on some of the values that are taken for granted.

Roy is very tactile and has asked me to be his girlfriend. He says he likes me and doesn’t want this to end.

Roy is a bit tricky and I can see that he has told people some weird things about me. It’s three months in now and he has never invited me to meet his friends. He goes out with people sometimes and I am left behind. He talks about a girl called Gemma and says I don’t need to meet her. He says his friend says he can be friends with anyone he wants to.

Roy only interviewed women to move into the spare room in his flat. He says later that he was trying to impress his friends, that he lacks confidence and just did it for validation, but he never talks about how he hurt me. Roy is 28.

Roy argues a lot about really weird things. He seems to want to be right all of the time. It doesn’t matter what we are talking about, he manages to swing the conversation to something he knows and tries to prove you wrong. Why does he want others to be wrong?

Roy is fun sometimes, he is like a grown up young person which means we can create the life we want, do what we want, eat when we want and build a home that we want. I don’t like rules either!

But I do like values, and I found out that he is still spending time with Gemma, but it has been eight months! I thought she went away. I see his phone, he has messaged her every day for eight months, sometimes 20 messages a day. He told her he bets she looks cute in her Rugby kit.

“It’s not what you think”, “but we have to talk about it.” Adrenaline makes me shake. Everything has changed, forever.

“Why are you signed up to this Fuck Buddies website,” I ask, “I was angry with you, I didn’t do anything.” A year in, I was in love, I’m not now. I’m hurt, lonely, reminded. Oh yeah. I don’t deserve to be loved. I knew that.

Roy is arguing, I can’t figure out why. I shared a story, a conversation I had with a friend and he is telling me I’m wrong, how am I wrong? He doesn’t listen, I ask him to leave, he ignores me. I feel helpless, I throw my mug on the floor as I am trapped in my house and he is ignoring me and he slaps me. What the fuck!?

GET OUT! I call the police, and they take him away.

Roy is so sorry. He is begging me to come and talk. We talk and he is back. He is crying. Roy is good deep down. He makes us some tea.

Roy tells me he loves me a few weeks later, in bed in a nice hotel for my birthday. I tell him I can’t say it back. I have never said it in 12 years since, maybe once when I was drunk, but not really. Not properly. I don’t love him.

Roy went to Newcastle for his brother’s stag do, Happy 30th Year Roy. I checked his phone when he got back. He is messaging a girl he met, trying to meet up with her. He kissed someone in Clapham and sent her a picture of himself that he created out of a photo of him and me at a theatre event I took him to. He cut me out of the photo. She said he looked handsome.

Roy says he loves me, he says I am being stupid. Roy is dismissive and snaps at me.

Roy ignores me, Roy won’t help me with looking after the house and says “I’m not your housewife” when I ask him to help with ordering shopping because I need to drive to Newbury two hours away every day for my work right now and I’m so tired. Roy makes us some tea.

Roy’s father abused him, told him he was useless when he was a boy. And told him and his sisters and brothers that the cleverest one will get rewarded. So they try to be right and make each other wrong. He treats me like his sisters.

Roy is not a bad person. He just wants his father to love him. His father has passed away.

Roy’s dad wanted him to be a football playing boy, but he was a different boy. He was a complex and deeply feeling boy. He was a sensitive and shy boy. His father would say as he walked down the stairs “look at this useless boy.”

Roy’s dad was dying for a long time and died when he was 17. He was always in and out of hospital, nothing new, but one day he didn’t come out.

Roy seeks validation from women because he has such low self esteem, but he loves me. He has messages on his phone from his ex. Happy 33rd Birthday Roy.

Roy’s family didn’t really do normal things like go for ice cream. Roy had no routine. His father had a hospital bed in the front room for years and yelled at everybody. He was dying and angry. When I get upset sometimes it sounds like his dad, unhappy, in pain. It feels the same, it lives in the same part of his head.

Roy says he wants to work on things. He is not a bad person.

I check Roy’s phone, sexually explicit text messages to Helen who lives up the road. She is a doctor and he is trying to meet her. We have been together for ten years and I’m not surviving. Roy is 38.

Roy cries, he says he loves me. We haven’t had sex in eight years because I am ashamed. Rejected. Scared and lonely. He must want other women, people who don’t look like me. I have seen their pictures, they are younger and blonder.

Roy cries, he says he loves me.

Roy goes back to normal and makes tea.

Roy cries and says he loves me.

Roy goes back to normal and makes tea. He is a good person, he’s not a bad person.

Roy is like a robot. Roy is blank. Roy is like a robot again and asks if I want some tea. He snaps at me when I ask him when work finishes. He is mean.

Roy has ADHD. Things will be better now that we know. Roy takes medication. Roy is 40.

Roy is still like a robot, but was abused so we understand. Roy is defensive and dismissive. When I tell him how I feel, he listens, then goes back to normal. Every three days I beg him to listen again.

I’m tired, I’m not surviving, everything is harder than it ever was before. I can’t figure out what I need to put in my bag. My mind is blank. I’m blank. I smile, go back to normal. Back to work. I am trapped by Roy’s past.

Roy has had a separate room for six years.

Roy is very pleasant with other people. He is mostly pleasant with me, in a blank kind of way. Like a robot, going through the motions, acting, but not really there. Not really available. I am so angry, he cries and says he loves me. Roy is defensive and dismissive.

And then we have tea.

Then I ask him to leave, then he cries and says his father abused him. It’s all about him again. It’s never about me. So I listen. I try to help. He pretends to listen, then goes back to normal. IT IS LIKE A FUCKING BRICK WALL BUT HE IS SO NORMAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE I AM ALL ALONE. I pretend everything is fine. Roy snaps at me for no reason.

Roy says he wants to work on things. Then he makes tea. Then three days later I ask him to leave. Then he cries, then he makes tea. Roy went through childhood trauma, he knows that now.

Then he is acting again. Then he is late going somewhere. Then he forgets my birthday, then he cries. Roy is defensive and dismissive. He finds it hard to do things, anything. He tells me it’s the ADHD. He tells me his father abused him. He makes tea.

I am angry at Roy, and I sound like his father. “I HATE YOU, I CAN’T STAND IT, YOU NEED TO HELP ME RECOVER FROM THE CHEATING, YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME BUT I DON’T FEEL IT, YOU ARE LIKE A FLATMATE, WHAT IS THIS?”

Roy is angry back.

Roy says he wants to work on things, then he doesn’t show up and then he cries. Then I ask him to leave, then he says he wants to work on things and it sounds like he means it this time. So I share, then he acts and then he makes tea. He says he loves me but I don’t feel it.

Roy is defensive, distant, dismissive. He snaps at me when I ask him about his day.

I am lonely, tired and not surviving. Then he tells me his father abused him. He understands now, then he cries and asks me if he can stay. Then he makes tea. There seems to be some hope this time. He seems to understand this can’t go on and that he is killing us.

Roy says he feels like if the day seems normal, he doesn’t want to work on things in case it disrupts the normal. I am neglected, I am going crazy. I am going mad.

Then he goes back to acting, back to normal, then I ask him to leave. Then he cries and then he makes tea. There is no love. Roy brought me flowers.

Roy is broken, and he is breaking me. But he was abused, he has ADHD and can only see the world from his point of view.

Roy is a good person, but he is broken and sad. And I am tired and I am not surviving. I am so tired. Roy is not a bad person, there is some hope, he wants to work on things.

It’s time for tea. Perhaps there is some hope, it will be different this time. He really gets it. He needs to repair things. He cries, he says he wants to help.

Roy is defensive when I ask him what the weather is today. Roy is distant, where is Roy? Is he messaging someone, is there another girl?

Roy makes tea. In a pot, with a nice china tea cup.

May 2024
Surrey, UK