If
by Joanna Griffiths

West Sussex, UK
July 2025

If I could find the perfect notebook, I'd be fine. I could go about my day using the notebook, my thoughts would easily find their way onto the page. I would easily integrate the forty-eight thoughts that are in my head at any time into the notebook and then I can use that to plan my day, my week, my entire life. At least the next hour.

Where is that notebook? I think I had one once. Or twice. I've tried many. I like B5 format. For handwritten journalling though, nothing else. However, B5 is not always practical, it doesn't fit in my smaller handbag (not that my journal generally leaves my house). A5 fits, as does B6. I hate A6 so don't even get me started. Apart from that one A6 notebook I had, or the one I've been using recently. They fit in a pocket.

A4? Hard no.

B5 (preferably spiral bound, must lay flat if not). But now I also have an A5 notebook. How does that fit? Can I get a 'writing system' that fulfils all my needs?

What the fuck with 'a system'? I don't have a haircare ‘system’, I have shampoo, conditioner and a product or two I apply in the vain hope that my woolly, somewhat frizzy hair doesn't make me look mad when I appear on camera to my clients. I often look or sound mad because it's 9am and I took my meds fifteen minutes ago so at some point I'm going to be shaky and overly chatty and frankly there's nothing I can do about it. Yes, I could take the meds after the meeting but, a) I may not remember (if these drugs were addictive, why do I forget to take them? And I don't miss them on the days I don't), and b) would that then mean I can sleep tonight? I can’t risk it.

When was the last time I took a shower? No, hang on, I’m thinking notebooks. Oh, I saw a whole new 'notebook system' that doesn't sound like an MLM, I left the page open on my phone browser. But I can't go on my phone because I'm on my laptop. Oh, the shared browser history (closed eco system) but it's not there. OK, on phone.

Why did I pick up my phone? Oh, an alert? Something on Insta but my friend didn't send it so ignore. Oh, an email? It's one I've already read on my laptop, so the notifications adjust once I click on the app. Let's look at the weather forecast. Oh, rain. Quelle suprise.

Have I done Wordle?

Yes/No.

Why am I looking at my phone? I'm meant to be working. Ok, head back to the laptop. Oh yeah, the website on my phone with a whole new notebook, the one that will fix my life. Back to phone. Browser. Share to laptop. Great. Omg a notification of an email from my client. I can't read it, must be bad news, they hated my work, and I will not be paid. It's all I deserve because I spend too much time looking at stationery and also I didn't get out of bed until nearly 10am because I didn't go to bed until well after midnight and even then I couldn't sleep without listening to an audiobook about autopsies.

Another email alert. I should really sort my notifications out; I keep meaning to Google how to do it properly. Why is Googling a verb? We didn't Yahoo things, we Asked Jeeves (oh god I'm old, I still have the email address I set up in 1998. Not that I know the password. Hopefully my phone does). I've changed search engine to Ecosia but, genuinely, not as good. ChatGPT gives better answers. Oh, ChatGPT, I'll ask her! (Of course she's a woman, she knows all, and asks follow-up questions.)

What am I asking ChatGPT? I'll retrace my steps. Notebook 'system'. How often should I shower? Why do we Google? Well, I haven't showered....for a bit but also I'm single and do my own washing so who cares? Why do we Google? I actually don't care, I’m sure it was a zeitgeist thing. Notebook system...the whole notion that my entire self could be enclosed into a system suddenly feels abhorrent.

Reddit it is then. Well, what's one more browser tab? The front page of the Internet. Well, so far all I've seen is Eastenders spoilers, idiot questions, and adverts.

No, hang on, I'm trying to sort my life out. How did I end up here? Its Tuesday at 2pm and all I've accomplished is wanting to go to the pub. Now.

I remember when I was 17, 18, 19, etc., and I called it the two-pint syndrome. After two pints my brain...went calm.

I've often accomplished big, seemingly endless tasks when hungover. I have painted whole rooms while still incapable of driving a vehicle. The room got painted. The hangover got extinguished. The local pizza place delivered.

I need a shower, my scalp hurts. Why is it so hard to get in the shower? I know I'll feel great afterwards. But it's not just 'take a shower' is it? It's exhausting. Can I take I shower now because I'm going to DIY later and I should shower after the DIY (it’s warm so I’ll get sweaty)? But am I going to do the DIY because I've got a couple of hours of work at my laptop to do. Yet every single minute of those hours at my laptop I'm going to be uncomfortable because my scalp itches, but I'll do DIY after. Or will I be too tired?

I need a haircut. I have one booked. It's three weeks out. Ok, tie the hair up, but the front bits and the hair at my nape are too short to get tied up properly so I find a headband that isn’t too tight or too loose to tuck all the annoying bits away. Turns out my hair is mostly composed of annoying bits.

Is there a thing that will fix me? A notebook?

A plan! I just need a plan. Weekly, monthly. ANNUALLY! Yep, I know what I want, and I know how to get it! Open Excel, I’ll make a template. Why did I open Excel? Let’s catch up on my cash flow. Oh dear, I need to…stop living, apparently.

Hours later, template deleted. Me defeated. My only plan is to sleep. Yes, sleep. A great night's sleep, that will sort me out. I didn’t get to the work I wanted to do today, I got stuck between planning and doing and my day did not go to plan. Failure. Simply a failure. I fail. Again.

Let’s just eat, sleep, shower in the morning and forget the DIY. It’s not urgent. Hopefully sleep comes, eventually. If I don't fall off a cliff. Accompanied by an audiobook about psychopaths.

Wake up. Bewildered. What time? Early, calm down. What do I do now? I know, wee, wash hands, brush my teeth. Minimum. I can, I can’t. Why can't I? Instead, another hour in bed knowing I must but can't do the things, in and out of sleep, craving coffee.

I dream of doing the things. Easy, straightforward, logical. I wake, drink water, wee (wash hands, obvs.), brush my teeth, wash my face, do yoga/pilates or go for a walk, head to the kitchen, make coffee (decaf), and answer the emails: the ones that kept me up last night, and the night before. I have accomplished for the day; I can be at ease.

I wake up again, I dreamed those things. My teeth are still furry, no coffee is brewed, those emails are unanswered. I came up with great responses while asleep, can I remember? Maybe. But I have done wrong, I have failed even before I've woken.

Every seemingly simple step contains multiple steps.  Take a shower. Am I dirty enough? Well, I'm changing my sheets tomorrow, so I'll wait another day; fresh me in a fresh bed. But my scalp is 40% scratches, and I know that clarifying shampoo is going to hurt. I need a shower. Now. Ok, waterproof Bluetooth speaker to the rescue. I read this online once and it works so well, like my brain is distracted enough to let me do whatever simple thing I need to. What shall I listen to? Audible. Which one? Podcast. This one's compelling but...weird? Music. Too many emotions. So, I can't get in the shower. I've got so much to get done; I just need to take a shower. Remembering, I have a client call in two hours. Can I shower and dry and style my hair in that time? I have things to do, should I just do the things? (What are the things?) Or do I shower, do the things (what things?) and not do my hair then not show my face on the call? Or should I not shower and not look mad. Will I look greasy?

I can't even just put some make up on because I need to wash my face to put make up on then I'll have to wash it off again, maybe in the shower. Or I won't and that's another day I don't shower. Why? Because my skin would end up looking even worse than it does now. Desiccated.

Can I show my face on a call with my client as-is? I need a haircut. But do I have photo references for the haircut I want? The haircut will transform me into someone who finds it easy to take a shower so now I need to wash and style my hair to send photos to my friend so she can agree my hair is 'too long,' and my photo references are good and will suit me. So, I should wash it. Just take a shower.

I’m still in bed; the weight of the duvet is overshadowed by the weight of the day. Cosy bed but I’m too warm so three and a half of four limbs are exposed to the fresh air. A breeze skips in through the window: could it be a good day to put the fresh sheets on and wash these sheets? Then I can take a shower because I don’t want to get into a fresh bed tonight feeling greasy.

Maybe a notebook would help me keep track of things? A simple reference point, with little reminders of what might need to get done on each day. OR IS THERE AN APP?! Can you imagine? A seamless integration between laptop, phone, tablet. What about when I use my paper notebook?

That is Separate. We shall Segregate Journal for the internal. Internal and Work shall never meet. But is there a system that could integrate them? Sometimes there is overlap.

I need the loo. And I'm hungry. I’d like some coffee. I'll search spiral bound B5 notebooks on my phone while on the loo. Yes, I know it's not hygienic, but I'll survive. My phone opens to the weather app. Oh rain. Not a good day to wash sheets so no point swapping. What's the weather where mam is? Same. Does she still have her tumble drier? Should I get a drier? Fresh sheets are amazing off the line, same day if you can manage. But my sheets are never fresh off the line because my brain tells me that if they're not washed, dried and into the airing cupboard in the day or two after I swap them off the bed then I'm a failure. So, I fail on having fresh-off-the-line sheets. I also fail at washing them within a day or two. Unless I'm busy, the sun is shining, and I need something to procrastinate with.

I'm not a terrible person. I mean I am because I haven't always behaved well, and I forgot to message my friend on her 40th birthday.

A notebook might help me keep track of things. Or just a plan. A weekly, monthly, annual plan. A masterplan.

Have I done Wordle?